Sunday, January 31, 2010
Waterproof Ducks and Holy Caps
Welcome to the Christian world, Butterball!
Today started with me, your dad, Phlegmy, and nanny Cor waking bleary eyed in preparation for a very traditional rite of passage: Christening. We have to be prepared to go the church at 8am for a very traditional act of registering you first. Your nanny Cor, whom I secretly think was a drill sergeant in her past life, pushed and shoved for us to be ready before the time even if the church is just 3 minutes away by taxi. Your sister, Phlegmy decided to have her period because maybe she thinks it’s auspicious to have something red for this special day in your life. Your papa decided to wear the brand new red shirt he bought just for today. Heck, if I had my way I’d make my breast milk red too just to get in on the action. And there you were like your sweet little self at the center of all this crazy.
A few things I learned today Butterball is that we are powerless of all things that eventually may happen. It is important to paste a grin on your face and let things roll off your back like a waterproof duck. I’ve compiled a list of all the realizations that if it wasn’t for you, it would have brought me to my knees.
*We are powerless in a roomful of mothers breastfeeding their babies in plain view that I can take mental notes on whose nipples is a shade lighter or darker than mine.
*Powerless in an hour-long pre-Jordan seminar with a very bad speaker system and speakers who called your godparents “spoon-surs” NUMEROUS fucking times that I wanted to bang my head against the wall.
*Powerless that your sister’s menstrual cramps almost made her faint that I had to let nanny Cor hold you and made sure that she is ok.
*Powerless that I didn’t have enough time to buy you a white cap for the actual pouring of water that we had to use your blue baseball ‘holy’ cap instead.
*Powerless over your godparents and how I forgot that they have creative ways of using an SLR and a church altar backdrop. You will see the pictures little guy, and by then we would have contributed your college fund for the church’s renovation just so they won’t excommunicate us and yes, you can’t bring those pictures to school for future school bring-this assignments.
*I also felt powerless that that we went way over the budget when we treated everybody who came for lunch. Don’t blame me; the church roof had to be replaced.
*I felt way powerless that your papa’s cousins are too socially inept that they can’t be bothered to smile or say hi even if it is also the first day we met. I’m sorry that our first meeting just reinforced my opinion of them (But this doesn’t cover your grandma B. She has honorary place to be as difficult as she wants because she is your papa’s mother. Remember son that all MOTHERS are afforded that. )
*Powerless of how great you are! I was beaming because you smiled at everybody, frowned at the camera but didn’t cry for once. And did I tell you that you tried to suck at your Tita A’s breast? That was hilarious.
And while we are dispensing list, I have compiled a yet another list of who to go to when you run into issues. Keep in mind that I will always be there for you and you should come to me first but if you find me the bane of your existence when you reach puberty your godparents are also there as an option (Great mom, it’s just what I need. Another adult to share something embarrassing with) This may be a little premature when you haven’t even reached your first year mark yet but then again I’m your mother. I’d like to get things covered.
If you need a little calm in a storm and get some level headed advice, go to tita Michelle. She may get confused about her own issues sometimes but she can be clearheaded when it comes to other people’s craziness.
Tito Eds can give you money advice and know-how but not ways to carry a baby.
Tito AD (Mel to me and Winnie-the-pooh to some) can give you witty repartees and snide side comments. And he is most eager for me to die so he can have you as his instant child.
Tita Mer is the best person to just hang out with and laugh yourselves silly. How she takes care of her family is also admirable. Go to her when you think I’m overbearing (when I’m just being a mom) don’t blame me about your cheeks. You got it from her.
Let’s face it, you’ll be a hormonal teenager some day so for sex advice, go to your tita A. I can guarantee you the best advice you’d get.
So there it is, Butterball. Welcome to the Christian world!